“Do you feel like you need to have all the answers?” I have the gift of leading a group of women from my parish in a weekly reflection on the upcoming Sunday’s gospel. One of the women asked me that recently and I was a bit taken aback. It has been one of the challenges when we gather each week. “What does ___ mean?” “Is that really what Jesus meant?” “Why did _____ say this or do that?” We never lack for questions and there is always that desire for an answer. I offer insight when I can, but I generally don’t have answers. I just have my own questions.
Gratefully, I was able to respond with “Not as much as I used to.” And it’s quite true. While I still yearn for God to show up in a burning bush and lay out the plan, it’s not as urgent as it once was. I shared about my deep gratitude for all those who had formed me as I grew in my vocation and profession, mentors who most often offered more questions. They would offer relevant and helpful information to help deepen my understanding or inform my questions, but I would not really call those ‘answers.’ To be sure, there are times when I ache for answers. I have begged God for answers. But that evergreen desire is one that I can hold a bit more gently, that doesn’t always feel heavy. I am getting better at simply setting it down for a while when it becomes too tiresome to hold.
After leaving the CSTM, I found myself in a place that was not very welcoming of questions. It was a painful way of really encountering just how uncomfortable questions can be. I reached out to a professor at the CSTM in a moment of despair, asking “Why did you teach me to ask so many questions?” And of course, my question was not directly answered. But I was affirmed. I was encouraged not to let go of my questions and that they are good, even if I am told they are a problem. I underestimated that the things that have deeply impacted my formation would be held in the same esteem in other corners of the Church. But the CSTM gave me solid ground to keep standing on when I run into obstacles and has continued to keep me grounded wherever I am.
Questions are uncomfortable. They have the power to displace and dispel, to rupture and to heal. And I have seen the way that answers have done great harm to the people of God. Desiring something so finite leaves little room for the Holy Spirit to inspire and move us. We do have to make choices and come to decisions. Approaching choices openly allows God to come along and to keep us moving.
Questions are what invite me to prayer. They are what keeps me seeking and hoping. They keep my imagination open and allow me to desire more for myself and my Church. I am quite sure I don’t get it right most of the time but the Holy Spirit seems to keep working with me.