“In general, human formation happens in a three-fold process of self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and self-gift–and all of this in faith” – Program of Priestly Formation: 5th Edition (USCCB, 2006)
In 2010, while sitting on a hillside in Taize, France, I heard God’s call to ministry. My journal entry from that day reads “I am moving to Turkey next year. I have this overwhelming sense of peace/joy/excitement and a huge smile on my face when I think about it.” As a 20 year old standing on the edge of adulthood, I longed to serve God in some concrete way with my life. This calling gave me purpose and direction which guided me for the next several years as I applied to programs, raised funds, and told my friends and family. I had all but packed my bags when the plan began to unravel. Traumatic events from my past came rushing into my consciousness, and I felt paralyzed. Finally, a dreaded realization set in: I could not move to Turkey. Just one month before my scheduled departure, I cancelled my plans in favor of some much needed self-care.
During the next several years, I learned to pick up the pieces of this shattered dream. Two of the pieces just didn’t seem to fit together, no matter how hard I tried: on one hand, discerning a calling to move to Turkey; and on the other, experiencing the imperative that I stay home. I felt like God had shown me the map for my life, only to rip it up and throw it in my face. Had I heard wrong? Had God duped me? And how on earth could I trust my discernment again?
Self-Knowledge
I eventually found my way toward teaching through a program which offered to place me in an urban school system and provide training. “Great,” I thought. “Here is an opportunity to serve, to minister, and to really make a difference.” Having studied language and literature in college, I became an 8th grade English teacher in a Baltimore City public school.
I quickly learned that my empathy for my students far outweighed my capacity to teach them. Growing up in one of the most violent neighborhoods in their city, every one of these youth had experienced significant trauma. My own experience of post-traumatic growth gave me a passion for supporting these students and fostering their resilience. These life lessons seemed far more urgent to me than the grammar lessons in the curriculum. It soon became evident that I was a better spiritual guide and mentor than English teacher!
Coworkers in the Vineyard of the Lord: A Resource for Guiding the Development of Lay Ecclesial Ministers (USCCB, 2005) calls ministers to “knowledge of one’s personal gifts and special charisms and their relationship to particular ministries.” Going into education, I knew that it was an important ministry. However, it took actually getting into the classroom for me to learn that my gifts and those required for teaching were not a match.
This new self-knowledge pointed me toward a ministry where my gifts were better suited. Where could God use a person with deep compassion? Where might the spiritual depth born out of my previous experiences bear fruit? Maybe, I hoped: chaplaincy.
Self-Acceptance
I entered the CSTM as a MDiv student in 2015. Somewhere in Admissions, I am sure there is an application file clearly stating my goals for my studies: to get the prerequisite degree in order to become a board certified healthcare chaplain, after which I would return home to Maryland for residency and my career.
As is the case for so many of us at the CSTM, much of my human formation took place outside of the classroom: in Tasty Tuesday fellowship, rehearsals for the CSTM Dialogues, parties at the Newman House, celebrations for International Student Night, and trainings offered by Gaudete.
Through all of these rich experiences, I grew in acceptance of myself. When, one year into my program, I found myself considering an unexpected romantic relationship, I said “yes.” This led later to a “yes” to relocating to the Midwest to be closer to my then-future spouse. Through self-acceptance, I discerned away from the life I had imagined for myself in Maryland and toward the life God had in store for me.
Self-Gift
Life after the CSTM did, in fact, give me the opportunity to complete residency as a hospital chaplain. It also taught me to use my gifts to serve the needs around me — even, and perhaps especially, during a time of global crisis. I currently serve as an overnight chaplain for my local community hospital in addition to my weekday job in spiritual care at a long-term care facility; this is my small way to offer the skills I have to my community during the pandemic.
“All of this in faith”: God as GPS
Looking back at this journey, I recall my disillusionment after having felt called to go to Turkey and subsequently realizing that I could not. At the time, I understood discernment to be like decoding a treasure map to figure out where the destination was. If I could just hear God clearly, then I would know where I was headed and could chart a course to get there.
Since then, I have come to understand God’s calling in my life as more like listening to a GPS, which gives directions one step at a time. “Take I-70 West toward St. Louis” it may say–not because I am going all the way to St. Louis, but because I should head in that direction until I come to the next turn. Perhaps, instead of calling me to Turkey, God was actually calling me toward Turkey…which led me to a place of recognizing my need for self-care…which in turn led to teaching…which in turn led me to chaplaincy…which led me to the CSTM, and my spouse, and the full, rich life God has given me today. If God had simply given me a map at age 20 with the coordinates for where I am at 31, I would never have known how to navigate my way from there to here. Instead God has led me, step by step and turn by turn, to places I never could have imagined.