At bedtime recently my 4-year-old asked me when she was going to die. I responded initially with confidence to this great mystery of life: “Well, none of us really know when we’re doing to die, so that’s why each day is so important to live and love as best as we can.” But her questions only continued and got more theological, “will I die on a cross like Jesus did?” and I found myself getting tongue tied, attempting to steer clear of atonement theology and explain clearly and meaningfully to a 4-year-old why Jesus died that way. But even I was getting confused, so I awkwardly ended the conversation exasperated and said, “I know…it’s kind of confusing, isn’t it?”
It’s kind of confusing, isn’t it?! That’s what 3 years of a “rigorous and intensive, comprehensive and practical” Master of Divinity degree program did for me? Leaves me dumbfounded in front of my 4-year-old who’s anxious about dying on a cross?! Our recent bedtime conversation was not the first time I was left stumbling over how to explain the mysteries of faith to my daughter. I have been reminded many times in my 9 years since graduation of how little I actually learned.
This is by no means a critique of my experience at the CSTM (which I loved!) or an attempt to belittle the preparedness of those awaiting graduation (the Church so desperately needs you!), but an ever-growing appreciation of the inexhaustible mystery of God, as well as the great abyss between the head and heart. I can say confidently that the intellectual formation I received at the CSTM has continually nourished me in the various ministries I’ve been in the last 9 years. It has, indeed, been a pillar I can rely on. But I’ve also come to realize that receiving my diploma did not check the box on my formation, but rather demands a rigorous commitment to ongoing formation, particularly in the human, spiritual and pastoral realms.
For what it’s worth, the following words of advice passed on by mentors continually ground me in each of those areas.
Human
“It’s important to remember this is a mutual discernment, Sarah. As much as we may want you on our team, you also need to feel called.” I was given this piece of advice from my first employer, a Dominican priest at Providence College, before (what remains to date) the most intense job interview I’ve had – all in all, over 24 hours including an on-campus stay, multiple panel interviews, intense one-on-ones when I was asked point blank about my own ideology and how I fit into the overall Church, etc. The intensity of that process seemed more fit for an executive position at a large company rather than the campus ministry position I did end up accepting. But I’ve come to realize how much self-awareness is crucial to the discernment process, a level of self-knowledge and confidence in my gifts and limitations that has taken years in ministry to develop. And so I am grateful that he offered me the time to immerse myself in the community, to be confronted, even, in order to consider who I was as a minister in the Church and whether that identity would feel at home there.
Those words steadied my fears before each meeting that day, as well as each interview in the 9 years since: I’m interviewing them just as much as they’re interviewing me. And so the questions I have to ask in the process are: can I be myself here? Do they appreciate the unique things I can offer? What are the unique things I offer? Will I feel constrained or free to minister fully, joyfully? Am I drawn to accept this position because my ego finds it appealing or because I really feel called? All of these questions have required time and reflection, aided by tools like the discernment of spirits, and helpful questions and guidance from trusted sources like a spiritual director.
Spiritual
“If theology does not move you to your knees it is useless.” John Baldovin opened the first gathering of my MDiv cohort with those words, urging us to see that we were at the CSTM not just for intellectual formation but for spiritual formation, as well. While I held onto those words throughout my studies, I’ve been continually confronted by them in the years since. I’ve shown up to give a talk or to meet someone for spiritual direction feeling very theologically fancy, proud of my intellectual formation, and then quickly brought to my knees by the profound faith lives of those I minister to – from young college students claiming their own faith for the first time, to mothers who have lost children far too soon, to elderly couples holding hands in the final moments of their beloved’s life – challenging me to move deeper into those theological truths into relationship with God.
It took me quite a few years in full time ministry to truly recognize how much more creative and enriched my work is if it is rooted in prayer. I find it interesting that the one thing we hear Jesus’ disciples ask of him (outside of that short ego trip in which they ask to sit at his right hand and receive all the glory) is “Lord, teach us to pray.” We do not hear them ask how to produce miracles, perform an exorcism, or for preaching tips to wow the crowds. They are moved by his prayer. And as ministers, we too, are first called to be people of prayer.
Pastoral
“I don’t know…” My supervisor in CPE told me this simple phrase is often the most freeing, pastoral response to provide someone facing life’s overwhelming questions. Why me? Where is God in this? How can I move on? I don’t know… 4 years of undergraduate theology and 3 years of graduate studies in theology and I don’t know (or as I told my 4 year-old, it’s all a little confusing, isn’t it?). There are certainly trite answers I can provide those questions that might offer temporary relief but end the questioning. And it is the questioning that is the most important fuel to my ongoing formation. It is the questioning that fuels my love of scripture and prompts to me to always read with a skeptical, yet pastoral lens: how would I preach on this to someone who has lost hope, or doesn’t believe, who doesn’t care? It is the questioning that propels me back to my favorite theologians, humbled by the questions of my 4 year old (Listen to this one, Rahner…).
As you discern next steps beyond the CSTM, remember to slow down. Self-awareness takes time. Cultivate your prayer life. And trust that your formation is only beginning.