I don’t remember much about how I celebrated Lent last year. Shortly after Ash Wednesday, the COVID-19 pandemic shattered any sense of routine for my Lenten practices. I gained a heightened sense of anxiety for the health of myself, my family members, and my community, all while I was supposed to be discerning the next step after graduation. That time feels like a blur, but maybe it’s not all lost. Having had the opportunity to reflect on it, I can now find valuable lessons, not always easy, but nonetheless grace-filled lessons in my discernment.
Lesson #1: Return to me with your whole heart
Discernment requires the same introspection and reflection that the prophet Joel calls us to on Ash Wednesday: Return to me with your whole heart. In my time at the CSTM, I found myself confronted with challenging questions about my identity, my values, and my dreams. I was formed academically and more so spiritually for this purpose. So in discerning job opportunities, I turned to God with my whole heart – all my anxiety and fear, my hopes and joys – and I prayed about who God was calling me to be in the next chapter of my life. Sr. Barb Quinn once said something that has stuck with me: “If we cannot be ourselves in front of God, who can we be ourselves in front of?” In bringing my authentic self to God, I was better able to understand who I was as I wrote a cover letter or went into an interview. I never compromised my authentic self for the sake of a job, and in return, employers saw who I truly was and what I wholeheartedly could offer.
Lesson #2: Don’t give into temptation
The job search can sometimes feel like wandering through the desert without a map, living in a liminal space of uncertainty. Temptation comes and goes as job interviews give us a taste of what could be. In my experience, I was excited by some opportunities only to find out that the position had already been filled, that I wasn’t qualified based on the job description, or that the position could not be filled in the time of a pandemic. In addition, I saw classmates find jobs, and as excited as I wanted to be for them, I wondered when I might find my own oasis in the desert. With patience, what I found was a reassurance of my skills and talents, knowing that the pastoral formation that I had received at the CSTM would lead me to a job in ministry. Much like Jesus’s time in the desert, the job search is part of the preparation for ministry. That time called me to not give into temptations, so I could ultimately find the best fit for me.
Lesson #3: Move into the tomb
After Jesus’s death, three women – Mary Magdalene; Mary, the mother of Jesus; and Salome – went to the tomb where Jesus was buried. Once the stone was rolled away, they entered the tomb and were shocked at what they witnessed. The discovery of the Resurrection was only possible by the women moving into the tomb, a site they associated with fear and uncertainty. It was a decisive moment of vulnerability, in which they braved their fears for the sake of love. It left them with more questions than answers, but gave them the grace to move forward in hope.
In my formation at the CSTM, I learned the importance of moving into the tomb with vulnerability in search of God’s love. Whether it was in wrestling with intellectual questions about the nature of God in the classroom, sharing my grief with a friend, or hearing the stories of members of the Arcatao community in El Salvador, I had to become okay with sitting with the unknown of the world. And that was even true in my job discernment. As I was job searching, I had to make the choice to jump into the unknown. I actually signed for a job at a school I was not able to visit because of the pandemic. Using my Ignatian discernment tools, I found consolation knowing the job aligned with my values and mission and the fit felt right without stepping into the building. Maybe for me, the tomb was my heart in which I met Jesus and found hope for the future. The next step was scary and uncertain, but like the women at the tomb, moving into the unknown was a key step to joy and amazement.
As I am about to finish my first year working in high school campus ministry, I never anticipated the joy that would come from it. (For one, I never imagined myself at an all-girls’ high school.) Nonetheless, I was able to come to this joy because I had returned to God to find my authentic self; did not give into temptations and found the best fit for me; and entered into the mystery of the unknown, remaining open to the infinite possibilities born of God.
Wherever you may be in your discernment, may this Lenten season provide the space to discern by returning to God with your whole heart, wandering the desert of your soul, and entering into the tomb of Mystery. In those hollow spaces, may God fill you with the grace of knowing your worth as beloved.