Hardly a week goes by without various friends on Facebook announcing their engagement or posting recent wedding pictures. I counted 23 weddings that I have attended since 2008 with several more lined up for this year or next. Granted, I know that I am just “in that age” and that this is not necessarily uncommon, but it does indicate to me how people my age are seriously interested in getting married. I place myself in this space too; I’d like to be married someday. But for now, I’m single (as in “not married;” I am actually in a committed relationship but according to my tax filings, I’m “single.”)
For me, the single life right now is about being in between phases of life, and it can be scary. The Church has recommendations about marriage and religious life, but doesn’t actually offer a lot of guidance in terms of navigating the single life. Statistics show that people are waiting until they have chosen careers and set a foundation for themselves before they get married, and couples often try on the idea of living together before marriage. My friends and I have discussed all of these ideas and found that we are often left to discern our paths without church teaching to guide us.
Ultimately, I feel like I am called to be in a committed relationship. I know that there are people who embrace the single life and there are people who live consecrated single lives as well as people who take religious vows, and I respect all of those calls. Those calls are just not mine. But my dedication to a call I think I have has not always been easy. Just because we are called to something does not mean it happens automatically. There have been times in my life when I didn’t know what the future held for me and when I felt incredibly vulnerable. The space of thinking I know what God wants for me and the actual lived reality of it don’t always match up precisely, and that can be daunting and even a little lonely.
I have one friend who talks about how he thinks we all experience God in ways that are different, but consistent. So the way he experiences God may not be the way I experience God, but he experiences God in a way that makes sense to him over time and follows a consistent pattern. I’m not sure I believe in this theory, but when we were discussing it once, I came to the conclusion that the pattern I saw in my life for experiencing God was that I would make a firm and exacting plan about how things would go and I would think I had things figured out, and then God would say, “Nope. Not like that at all.” This was a frustrating realization.
This in between space of developing myself as an individual and anticipating what I hope to be the fulfillment of a call to get married can get complicated. Don’t get me wrong; being not married can be wonderful. For example, I’ve had 15 different roommates in the last 5 years since being single has allowed me to live in houses or apartments with friends and it has been a blast (most of the time.) I currently live in an apartment by myself and I’ve found that I love that too. These are things I would not have necessarily experienced as a married person.
Friendships are an important part of all of our lives, but for me, my friends are often my dinner companions, my most important conversation partners, and my weekend co-adventurers. Important friends from not only high school and college, but friends who I have known my entire life surround me. This comes from being part of a family that is particularly rooted in a certain place and the fact that I am still living in that place. The time I am able to make for my family is also a huge advantage to currently being single. My relationships with my brother and my sister, for example, are invaluable to me and it is important for me to be able to make time for them. Holidays for me are still spent with my parents, my siblings, my cousins and my grandmother, and since I know that shared holidays are often part of what comes with being married, I’m glad I have had these years with my family.
Despite all of the advantages of being unmarried, I still don’t think that the single life is one to which most people are excited to commit their lives. God created us to be in relationship with one another and it is human nature to want to be intimate with others. So while we are in this in between stage of life where we are discerning what kind of people we are becoming and how we will live with others, what kinds of resources from the tradition can we draw on?
The image of the Trinity is one that I have reflected on for many years and has been helpful for me when thinking about how I want to develop meaningful relationships. I love the communal aspect of the Trinity and the idea that God in God’s very self is modeling a perfect community with not just two but three persons. The agapic love that God displays in God’s very being provides a way to think about entering into intimate relationships that affect more than just two people. My life has meaning and purpose because of the people by whom I am surrounded and with whom I am in relationship. Sure, my work is important to me and I derive joy from doing it, but the people in my life, the people who have formed me into someone who is capable of doing my work, are what really matter to me. Thomas Aquinas says that the ultimate goal of human life is friendship with God and we are only capable of this with God’s help. I see this ideal of friendship with God through a lens of relationality and intimacy with others and I continue to strive for it. Intimacy for the single person can be about a one-on-one relationship between that person and God, but for me, it has been more important to recognize God as being mediated through those around me. My closest friends and my family have helped me understand God’s love in ways that continuously teach me new things.
My life as a currently unmarried woman is very rich and very full. My faith and the tradition I grew up in are important parts of that life. The Church has helped me grow up with a solid foundation and an understanding that God is love, but now that I am an adult, the Church doesn’t have much to give me by way of doctrinal teachings on relationships. My personal faith and my friendships with people who care about me have been some of my best resources I have when thinking about the questions of how to answer a call when it doesn’t seem obvious. As I continue to navigate this in between space I look to images from the tradition to serve as a compass and guide me. I have experienced that God is love and I have grown into someone who is capable of true intimacy. And I look forward to a future where my friendship with God, through intimacy with others, continues to flourish.
MARIANNE L. TIERNEY earned her doctorate from the Theology Department at Boston College.
PHOTO CREDIT: The Annunciation by Henry Ossawa Tanner 1898 ©Corbis