It takes a village to raise a child. This proverb gained pressing relevance for me when my husband and I embarked on our journey of parenthood. Even though my husband was as involved with the care of our infant daughter as I was, it quickly became clear that we were not up to this adventure alone—at least not with our sanity intact. We needed help. We needed a village.
Luckily, our family in Santiago, Chile, along with wonderful babysitters, helped us through our firstborn’s infancy and then the birth of her sister. But when we moved to Brooklyn four years ago, that all changed. Despite stellar neighbors and exceptional friends, we struggled with the physical and emotional challenges of parenting our now three young girls full-time…. After three years of swimming upstream just to stay afloat emotionally, financially, and socially, we decided to move back to my hometown of Albuquerque, New Mexico—in search of a village.
The decision to move was based on our desire to live near family. The decision to actually move in with my parents was driven primarily by finances: Our stay in Brooklyn on one nonprofit salary was subsidized by MasterCard and other creative financial arrangements that would horrify Suze Orman.
Living with my parents for a year would allow us to repay debts and save for our own place. Fortunately, my parents were not only supportive but encouraging of the proposal—long stays with them in the past had gone well, and while we knew that the multigenerational household would mean adjustments for all of us, we looked forward to being together.
Our first year was up last July. We’re still here. The reasons are still financial, but only in part. We expected the real challenges of living in a multigenerational household. But we’ve all been surprised by the new richness we’ve found as a result of this experiment. Born of necessity, it just might be continued out of desire, intention, and gratitude.
Our living arrangement is actually part of a growing national trend. The most visible example is in the White House, where three generations of the Robinson-Obamas live together. According to a 2010 Pew Research Center study, in 2008 49 million Americans lived in multigenerational housing (defined as “at least two adult generations or a grandparent and at least one other generation”). This is a 33 percent increasing the share of all American living in such households since 1980. Although this is partly due to a rise in immigration, the stagnant economy is also significant—between 2007 and 2008 alone, the number of Americans living in multigenerational housing grew by 2.6 million.
Though the trend is apparent for all ages, research shows that the elderly and the young are overrepresented. The physical decline of aging baby boomers and cuts to health and income benefits means that some parents cannot care for themselves financially, physically, or both, and must move in with their children. Lack of jobs, credit card debt, and high student loan payments have forced new college graduates to “boomerang” back to parents whose house, income, or jobs are more secure….
Multigenerational living has increased in every racial demographic sense 2006, though Latinos (22 percent) African Americans (23 percent), and Asian Americans (25 percent) are still more likely to live with multiple generations than are Caucasians (13 percent).
Many people who move in with relatives fully intend to move once they are able. For others, including elderly parents, the stay will be longer and will require long-term planning to meet increasing needs.
Whatever the specific situation, many of us are living together (again). And many are not only making it work, but, like my family, finding unexpected benefits and blessings that may make intergenerational living a choice, even when finances allow other options.
In our household, for example, meals have taken on a sacramental quality, with the entire family sitting down together most evenings. When I’m not working, I start dinner and help the girls with homework while my mom (a family therapist) sees her last clients and then joins me in dinner prep. Eventually my sister, who lives one block away, comes home from work, my niece in tow, and also chips in. After homework, the girls feed the dogs and help their grandfather with gardening or the other cooks with dinner, until the coveted video time (kids) and wine time (adults)—30 or so minutes before dinner when we unwind together and catch up on the day’s news. After dinner, the men do the dishes and parents get the kids to bed, often with the help of a grandparent, auntie, or older cousin.
The obvious benefits start with the financial savings. Utilities, food, rent or mortgage, and other household bills are much lower per person when shared. It is cheaper to buy and prepare food in bulk, and more hands mean more energy for household chores. Parallel to the financial benefits are environmental ones—resources and space are used more efficiently and effectively in a shared household.
Living with relatives also has emotional benefits, especially in the form of support for parents—and kids and grandparents, too. The pressures on families from work, school, and activities mean that even two parents (let alone one!) truly struggle with how to meet everyone’s needs on a daily basis. On-site grandparents can spell parents from the constant physical and emotional energy needed to raise kids, and elderly parents get help with the house, transportation, and finances.
Beyond the tangible financial, ecological, and practical benefits, my family is especially grateful for the emotional blessings of multigenerational living. Since my childhood nuclear family lived far from both sets of relatives, I never knew the joyful chaos of birthday parties or holidays with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. To watch my daughters forming special and unique relationships with their grandparents is a privilege and a blessing for all involved…
The emotional benefits extend both ways…. My mom concurs; in her words: “Because we share the same values, and because I know that I am loved and appreciated, I have more energy, support, and help thinking through issues than if I were alone.” This is not insignificant in a culture in which loneliness is so pervasive that Mother Teresa once called it “the leprosy of the West.”…
Multigenerational living is not, of course, all fun and games, and it is certainly not for everyone…. For us and for many other families in the same situation, defining and respecting the boundaries of all the roles and relationships (couple, parent, grandparent) is a must. My husband and I are clear that we assume all responsibility for the kids and never expect my parents, sister, or niece to help out unless we secure their help beforehand. My parents have been careful to schedule alone time in the form of “date nights” a couple times a week, as well as monthly getaways. When my husband and I are not as diligent about our own need for couple and small-family time, we pay a price in our ability to communicate and our identity as a couple.
Open communication is the second requirement for successful extended-family living. Talking about expectations, dividing responsibilities, and checking in on a regular basis about financial and other logistical agreements has minimized tensions for us.
Once together, however, surprises, changes, and challenges that come from living in close quarters with different people are inevitable, no matter how much preparation has taken place…
Which is where faith comes in….
Whether one’s multigenerational living situation is by choice or not, religious benefits may help give both the vocabulary to describe the experience and the lens through which to interpret the highs and lows that come with living in close quarters. My understanding of Christian discipleship and its emphasis on community has greatly influenced my desire to make this situation work. Christianity, by definition, begins and ends with community. As my mom put it, “What more could one ask? Aren’t we meant, as humans, to be in loving relationship with one another?”
DIANNE WILLIAMSON MICHAELA BRUZZESE is a teacher in the theology department at St. Pius X High School in Albuquerque, New Mexico.
From Sojourners Magazine 41, no. 1 (January 2012), 20, 22–24. Reprinted with permission. www.sojo.net.
PHOTO CREDIT: © Roy Scott/Ikon Images/Corbis